3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
