I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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