she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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