did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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