Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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