If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
