just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
