I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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