I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
