took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
