i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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