There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
