Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Randomize
