did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
