Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
