It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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