New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
