fuck your aforementioned shoe
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
