I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
