when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
