Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
