You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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