it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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