Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
