....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
