I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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