yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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