so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it's like heaven, but drunker
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
