4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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