I haven't been this sober since birth.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
