Sober January is a disaster.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Pants are for mortals
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
