I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
