Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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