he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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