if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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