and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
