Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
