It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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