I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
