census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
