Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
