I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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