my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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