found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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