Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's always time for handjobs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
