Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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