Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
