I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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