My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
