If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
