at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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