There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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